Shadow Land

This week I saw a picture of my cancer.

My very own cancer cells. 

Bit blurry, I admit, it was a part of an MRI scan I was being shown.

“See the dark area of shadow”, the consultant says, pointing out my vertebrae.

I look closer and see the sinister spots in the bone structure. 

That's what cancer is.

This dark area of shadow.

And it resonated with one other thing I had been told during radiotherapy.

I had asked why patients need to come back each day for what is in effect a 30 second blast of radiotherapy on the exact same spot each time. Why can’t they do it all at once? The answer I was given was this, and - quick disclaimer - I am no expert, so stand to be corrected, was that as radiotherapy can also destroy good cells, the extra day gives those living cells a chance to regenerate, whereas cancer cells don’t.

This dark area of shadow.

Not life giving. Does not regenerate. Is life draining and destructive.

An ancient poet wrote about 

            ‘passing through the valley of the shadow of death.’

Even though cancer may not have been in his thinking, 

my journey with cancer is like that.

It’s a shadow - furtive, creeping, threatening - but just a shadow. 

Death may loom ahead. You may hear it rumbling.

But this enemy is still only a shadow. And the same poet went on to say, but 

         ‘You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemy’

That also continues to be my experience on this journey.

With the shadow ever hanging over me, there is a veritable feast to enjoy right here in this dark valley.

Ok, its figurative language, but sometimes it just feels as though a banquet has been laid out for me -

      - The  little pleasures of life to enjoy in a new way

      - The joys of laughing and sharing with friends, 

      - The huge generosity of those who have been helping

      - The overwhelming sense of God's presence, and 

      - The powerful knowledge that he is the one who heals the broken.

                          "The broken reed he will not break"

This is my wonderful table in the wilderness.

** Psalm 23: 4,5

** Isa 42:3 Matt 12:12