Edges of His Ways

Living, as we currently do, ‘beira mar’ , as we might say in Portuguese ('by the sea’ ), it is wonderful to walk the long strand, linger by rock pools, gaze on the ever changing face of the ocean. And the one constant in all of this landscape is the horizon, steady and straight, in varying shades of grey and blue, and a permanent indicator of the expanse that lies beyond. This body of water, Portstewart Bay, is directly connected, via Atlantic and Arctic, to the immense and impenetrable thing we call “oceans”, deep and dark and filled with all manner of wonders.  

Which is why the above phrase resonates with me this evening.  I find all sorts of joy and pleasure in these ‘edges’ of the ocean. It gives me a small but real indication of the wonder, the awesomeness, the power that lies beyond, out there in the depths, yet it is absolutely nothing in comparison to the reality of what the ocean is really like. That it what it is like with our understanding of God. We can experience Him as a reality in our daily lives, yes, but we only touch the very outer fringes of all that He is.

Job expresses it like this in Chapter 26:14. After he had poetically celebrated God’s presence in the natural world ‘stretching out the northern skies over empty space, wrapping up the water in rain clouds, and marking out the horizon over the face of the waters, he draws it all to a conclusion by saying

  - “these are but the edges of his ways - how faint we hear the whisper of them’’

So as I enjoy these walks with the vista of Donegal and, now and then, a faint glimpse of Scotland, the oceans call me to an experience deeper and richer. C S Lewis once likened us weak hearted humans to “ignorant children who want to go on making mud pies in a slum because they cannot imagine what is meant to have a holiday at the sea”.  Would that God would create in me a hunger for the depths of a greater and deeper understanding of all that he is.

Underneath the Skin

Well, I feel just fine, I keep saying to myself. 

Especially on a sharp October morning like this, 

emerging all ruddy and dripping from the Herring Pond, 

feeling wondrous and lit up inside.

People look at me and say I am looking well.

My doctor begs to differ. It's not going well inside. Underneath your skin. 

So I spent the last four days in the Cancer Centre at City Hospital

For observation and intravenous administration of higher dosage medications for the liver. 

In the end it was a good experience. 

To see at first hand the level of care, of professionalism, and the dedication of the staff, whether doctors, pharmacists, nurses or orderlies.

I remember, as a student in London in the seventies, with the cold war at its height, devouring the writings of a Russian dissident by the name of Alexander Solzhenitsyn (His name hardly rings a bell in today’s world, I guess). His semi-autobiographical novel “Cancer Ward” depicted the dark dystopian world of a cancer hospital deep within the then Soviet Union, and also sought to expose the evils of that cancerous regime. And I thought, what an utter contrast this is.

Brightly lit, friendly and supportive, even down to the well kept small space of garden, where even with Covid restrictions, it was possible to be out for periods in the open air.

Also to share our experiences, with the other guys, in the four bed ward.

We each had our own personal story, our own slow path to tread in this steady march against the disease.

I think the common thread that drew us together, albeit briefly, was the mystery of how this cancer invades our system.

It's persistence, it's almost deviousness, lying undetected for long periods, then suddenly rearing up its ugly head. 

Stories of - well it started here, and I was being treated for this cancer, then I was doing fine for over a year, but now it’s reemerged here, and I don’t know what’s next. As Bill Bryson has said, "What cancer is, appallingly, is your own body down its best to kill itself. It is suicide without permission."

Well, I don’t know what’s next either, in any great detail, but I am very glad that I have a God who does, and who keeps reminding me that he cares for me, for both of us, that there is a plan, and that it's a good plan. 

I'll Be Your GPS

So here we are.

Anna is in Athens.

And I am in Belfast City Hospital.

And here are some actual exchanges between us on whatsapp.

I just got out of the metro.

Which side of the road should I stand?

For the local bus

You’re on Mesogeion, right?

I don’t know.

Is it the side with the Bread Factory (local bakery) or opposite

Stand on the side with the mountain behind you.

??

Traffic going north.

Ok.

Which metro did you get out at?

Cholargos.

You should have got out at the one before.

I’m catching the bus now

It's A5, right?

But where do I get down.

Look out for landmarks.

I just passed Mr Farmer. (local grocery)

You’re on the wrong bus.

I am totally lost now. I’m going to get down and get a taxi.

And so it goes on.

Anna is wonderfully gifted in so many ways.

But not with a sense of direction.

My lovely wife.

More on Fear

So, after thinking those raw thoughts in the middle of the night 

I took time on the first day in hospital, to explore some more. 

The Fear of God in the Book of Proverbs

It was prompted by some wise words received from Colin last week. 

(Not son Colin .. Waterford Colin) 

Here’s what I have concluded so far.

Fear is good. Fear is an important emotion.

Fear protects from danger. 

Fears helps us avoid stupid choices. 

Fear empowers us.

But, fear also cripples, dominates, paralyses, intimidates.

As we are all well aware.

Seems contradictory.

But it’s all about where the fear is directed.

Thats why the Book of Proverbs makes the link between 

Fear and Wisdom.

Specifically the Fear of the Lord - the beginning, the fountain head, the source of all wisdom.

When Fear is placed in the Lord - awe, amazement, wonder - all other fears can be faced.

But, says Proverbs, if you really want to follow wisdom, you have to CHOOSE to Fear, you have to seek it out as you would a hidden treasure.

You can also choose to NOT Fear the Lord, which leads us into -

‘the waywardness of the simple, the complacency of fools’.

Choosing to Fear the Lord, means you you are choosing to not fear other stuff, nor to be intimidated by evil, by arrogance, by posing and pretensions.

And, in choosing to Fear, your wisdom increases. 

Years will be added to your life

Fear of the Lord is a refuge, a secure fortress.

Fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, better than wealth.

With our Fears placed in that direction, we are at once contented, safe, untouched by trouble

There is always a future hope for those who are 'Zealous for the Fear'.

Your hope will not be cut off.

Here are the references in Proverbs 1:7  1:29  2:5  8:13  9:9,10  10:27  14:26,27.  19:23  23:17

 

What's to Fear?

5am. Can’t sleep.  

Yesterday I got the call to be admitted to hospital today.

Things have not been improving as hoped for.

To be under observation for a few days. 

To be bombarded with a higher dosage of steroids.

And other stuff. Damage control. Fix the liver. Stop the spread. 

Driving back from the consultation, Colin asks ‘Are you scared?’

My immediate reaction, internally, was ‘Who, me? Scared?

My faith - my optimistic outlook - my ‘let’s do it’ personality. 

What’s to fear?’ 

Then later in the night, I ask the question again. 

‘What IS there to fear?’

So in the dark hours before the dawn, I get up and write my list.

Here it is. Raw and honest.

What do I fear, then? 

Dying?                  No. Without hesitation. My faith is sure.

Separation?         Yes. Fear of that awful gulf that happens when one is taken, the other left.

Things that go bump in the night? No.

But Uncertainty?  Yes. The not knowing what’s ahead, or for how long,  or what will be the final result.

Loss?                   Yes. Thats a big one. 

                                     Loss of control. 

                                     Loss of capacity. 

                                     Loss of opportunities

Hospital?          Now his is where it gets weird. 

                         Yes. I have to honest, I am a bit afraid. 

With the same curious illogic the goes with fear of the dentist, the very place that is there to provide healing, becomes associated in the mind, with things not going so well. The old rabbit hole again. One thing can lead to another. Something gets fixed, but something else goes wrong.  And no sooner are you out, then you’re called back in again. 

Afraid of Judgment?       No. Without hesitation. I see Christ's cross and I am not afraid.

Yet, still, there does remain with me a fear of things left undone, of having messed up, in simple things that I should have fixed before, and in deeper things. Things I wish I had put right, when there was a chance.  And beneath that emerges a deeper fear - a fear of seeing His Face. His ever-loving, all-forgiving, filled-with-compassion Face, as he examines my dismal track record, but then says, with pain, yes, but also with an eternal love "It’s Okay, Peter. It’s Sorted." And therein lies True Fear. Fear as it should really be. Positive Fear. Fear that finds its object in that which is truly to be feared. The all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present Transcendent One.

What the Book of Proverbs calls “The Fear of God”